


Touch-Starved

by CommunionNimrod



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hermann's struggling a lot guys, M/M, description of panic attacks, mid-Uprising, pre-Precursor reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 12:32:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15219227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommunionNimrod/pseuds/CommunionNimrod
Summary: Newt used to touch Hermann constantly - nudges and pats and pokes.  All they ever did was irritating.  But then Newt left, and amongst the array of difficult emotions Hermann was experiencing, the complete lack of casual touch was surprisingly one of them.Hermann did not like it when people touched him.  But was it because he had grown up in a family that did not touch and hug?  Or was it ... something else entirely?





	Touch-Starved

Hermann did not like to be touched.  He never had. So when he first began working with Newton all those years ago, and the man brought the whirlwind that was … well,  _ him _ , all of a sudden there was someone who insisted on touching him.  Casual touches were as natural to Newton as breathing, and it had been one of the more jarring things that Hermann was forced to get used to.

 

Like all of the others things that stopped when Newton left for the private sector - something that to this day Hermann could not understand - the casual touching stopped.  From time to time Tendo had been one to nudge with an elbow or clap a shoulder, but he too left the PPDC so that he could spend more time with his family. Hermann should have been grateful.  The annoyance and pestering finally ceased, and with that, he could finally have some peace and quiet.

 

Most of the time, it was a train of thought that was out of sight, out of mind.  Most of the time, Hermann could trick himself into thinking it was fine. But like all things when it came to the thought of Newton, it was far from fine.  He battled anxiety and something he assumed was akin to heartbreak - though how could one’s heart be broken over someone who was nothing more than a colleague and thorn in his side?

 

Anyone who had worked with them to stop the kaiju knew how much of a lie that was.

 

Lies were Hermann’s only comfort anymore, though.  They were the only way he got through some days. It worked, for the most part.  For years, it worked. For the next decade he managed, even as his communication with Newton dwindled and dwindled until it was nonexistent.  No one touched him. No one interrupted his work constantly throughout the day. No one drug him out of the base to get greasy food at 3am. No one played awful music on repeat to drive him out of his mind.  It worked.

 

Except when it didn’t.

 

Everyone in the base kept a respectful distance from him.  But then Jake Pentecost showed up. Hermann never expected Jake to be like his father, he was prime example of someone who was nothing like their father, but he hadn’t quite been prepared for the kind of man he was.  He was so relaxed and open, and during their meeting, while he accepted Hermann’s handshake, he also reached out and clapped him on the shoulder, shaking him slightly as they spoke. Hermann had been left stunned, trying not to shy away from the touch and seem disrespectful.

 

Jake would poke his head in the lab to just … say hi.  Sometimes he came on a professional capacity, and sometimes he was only there because he’d had to accompany the Marshal or Ranger Lambert, but sometimes there was no purpose to his presence.  It was puzzling. Hermann didn’t know whether to be confused, annoyed, or upset over it all.

 

It reminded Hermann too much of Newton.  Jake was not overly familiar in the way Newton was, but he did not have the history with Jake that he’d had with Newton.  It became harder and harder for him to push the crushing thoughts aside that, well … that no one did that kind of thing anymore.  His anxiety felt heavier than ever.

 

Jake was only the beginning of his troubles.

 

When Hermann first heard that Liwen Shao was paying the base a visit, and got confirmation that not only would Ms Mori be accompanying her, but also  _ Newton _ , he’d had no clue what to expect.  He hadn’t spoken to Newton in ages. He hadn’t seen him since he’d left all those years ago.  He couldn’t help the excitement that pushed him to make his way to the landing deck, smile on his face as he greeted his old friend and asked him to come back to the lab.  The entire time he had been working on his deployment theory he’d wanted to show Newton, to get his expertise on the matter. It was right up the man’s alley.

 

But … Newton had no interest in it.  He would not help refine the calculations, turning down Hermann’s request to turn the theory into solution.  It hurt. As Hermann stood there, puzzled and shocked that Newton would not help, all he could find himself noticing was that this entire time, his former colleague had been almost two whole arm’s length away from him.  He was dismissive and distant, and even their brief banter felt hollow. Hermann wasn’t sure if it was a desperate attempt at finding a glimpse of their former connection that had him bringing up the nightmares that him plagued him constantly, but even that was met with slight indifference.

 

Hermann was left stunned, standing in his lab and staring at the doors that closed as Newton left.  He swallowed, jaw flexing as his chest tightened and his vision blurred. Well. That had been unexpected.  He tried to get back to work, but he was no longer able to focus. He couldn’t stop thinking about their frankly awful interaction.  He couldn’t stop thinking about how … how Newton didn’t come anywhere near him.

 

Not even Newton Geiszler wanted to touch him anymore.

 

Hermann was in a daze for a few days after this, before the inevitable panic attack hit him one afternoon.  Thankfully he was alone in the lab when it happened, as it was a difficult one to try and repress, and after moments of being unable to properly breathe, he had to wheel his chair across the lab and fumble around for the metronome he kept nearby.  He was trembling as he started it, covering his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks and focusing on the slow, monotone clicks until he was able to match his breathing with it and calm down. He retreated to his quarters for the rest of the day after that, curled up on his bed and staring off in the distance.  He’d bury his face in the pillow he was clutching to his chest every time he felt the urge to start crying again.

 

Usually when this happened, it was enough that Hermann was able to get by for a while before it threatened to happen again.  He went about his work, trying not to think about his awful interaction with Newton. Discussion of the drone proposal increased, with the Sydney conference right around the corner, but before they knew it chaos fell and Mako Mori’s helicopter had crashed, and …

 

Hermann stood in front of the memorial wall the day following the incident, both hands resting on his cane as he gazed at the holographic image of Ms Mori, frowning.  It was not right, it didn’t add up. He needed to decrypt the data she had tried sending as her signals were blocked by the rogue Jaeger. It had been important, and Hermann was the only one who could get to the bottom of it.

 

“You knew Mako pretty well, right?” came a voice beside of him, causing Hermann to jump slightly.  He blinked, glancing over to see Jake had joined him. He nodded.

 

“Yes,” he confirmed, sighing and looking back at the image.  “She was a wonderful woman, a brilliant J-tech officer, and an intuitive pilot.  My condolences. She spoke of you often.”

 

“Yeah, thanks mate,” Jake sighed, reaching over and clapping him on the shoulder.   _ Again.  _  Hermann’s head snapped to the touch, almost as if he had been smacked.  “Condolences back at ya. She was the best.”

 

Jake squeezed Hermann’s shoulder, and he felt oddly light-headed over it.  Then, as quickly as he reached out, Jake pulled his hand back, nodding and walking off.  Hermann stared, watching him go, and swallowed. He looked back at his shoulder, brow furrowed in confusion and frustration.  His chest hurt. Rolling his shoulder, he stepped forward to set a small paper crane down underneath the memorial, and then headed back towards the lab.

 

In the days that followed, Hermann buried himself in the decryption.  Finally he uncovered things, revealing that it was not a kaiju, but a location.  The Marshal and the Rangers were summoned, and Hermann went over the data with them, and the next stage of planning began.  As the others filtered out, Jake remained. Hermann glanced over at him, watching as the young Pentecost came to stand beside him.

 

“What do you think it all means?” he asked, tilting his head as he gazed at the image of the production facility.  Hermann shook his head.

 

“I cannot be certain,” he admitted, leaning on his cane.  “Though I suppose that’s what you and Ranger Lambert are going to find out, aren’t you?”

 

“Yep,” Jake nodded.  “There’s somethin’ there.  There’s gotta be. Obsidian Fury is linked to it somehow and I gotta get answers.”

 

Hermann nodded, not sure what to say.  He hoped there would be answers there. If the information was important enough for Mako to fight to get through, surely there was.  Hermann was a bit skeptical, but Jake seemed to sure, and whether it was hard headed determination or needing to do right by Mako’s memory, it fueled him.  He saw a bit of the stubborn visage he’d seen in Marshal Pentecost many times as their funding was cut again and again

 

“I am sure you will,” he commented finally, glancing back at the computer in front of them.

 

“Good work on all this, Gottlieb,” Jake said.  “You killed it.”

 

Hermann opened his mouth to give his thanks, when Jake was slinging an arm over his shoulders and wiggling him in a one-armed hug.  Hermann’s eyes widened in shock. He was hit with a million emotions all at once, and instinctively, he twisted out from under the embrace and took a few unsteady steps back.

 

“Why are you  _ doing _ that?” he asked, gripping his cane so tightly his knuckles went paper white.  He was trembling, his exhaustion and anxiety and pain all crashing down on him.  He’d been feeling incredibly vulnerable ever since he’d seen Newton, thinking more and more about things that never used to bother him, and then the young Pentecost was just … just … touching him.  Like it was no big deal. Like they were friends _.  _

 

Jake blinked, clearly surprised by the sudden outburst.  Admittedly, Hermann was surprised by it as well. But he couldn’t stop.  He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, and he clenched his teeth for a moment.

 

“Why do you keep touching me?” he continued, his voice strained with distress.  “Y-you just keep … no one touches me. No one. Ever. No one has since … since … since  **_him_ ** .”

 

“Hey, listen mate-” Jake started, holding his hands out in a placating gesture. 

 

“It comes so naturally for you doesn’t it,” Hermann continued, interrupting Jake, a tear sliding down his cheek.  “Just patting or hugging someone, even though we hardly know each other, we aren’t  _ friends _ , and yet you just… you just…”

 

Hermann realized what was happening and he turned his back to Jake, rubbing frantically at his eyes, trying to wipe them dry.  But the damage had already been done. Jake had seen him cry. He was so tired, so stressed, that he didn’t have the strength to keep it buried anymore.  His shoulders shook as he tried getting himself under control, crying silently in the middle of the lab, with a Ranger standing there and staring at him. It was horrible.

 

“I apologize,” he said after a moment, finally getting his emotions under control and pushing them down.  He sniffed softly, wiping any remaining moisture away from his face before turning back to face Jake again.  Though, he couldn’t bring himself to look at the man. He didn’t want his pity. “That was. That was highly unprofessional of me.”

 

“Gottlieb, are you tellin’ me that no one shakes your hand or pats you on the back or nothin’?” Jake asked.  Hermann sighed, trying to resist the urge to roll his eyes. Of course.

 

“They do not,” he found himself admitting, even though he was telling himself to squash the conversation and do it now.  “Which is just fine, I am not here to make friends, I am here to work. Even more so now than ever. We have a lot to do, Ranger.”

 

The words felt empty and fake the second they left his mouth.  Hermann was sure Jake could see right through them. The man seemed to be quite a perceptive one, and Hermann did not think the barriers he constructed were quite as strong as they used to be.  Newton had broken them all down, and they were … difficult to rebuild. 

 

“Listen,” Jake started to say, and Hermann looked at him again finally.  His face was full of concern and he took a step forward. Hermann took a step back, suddenly and desperately needing the man to keep his distance.

 

“I am sure you have a lot of preparation to attend to, Ranger,” he said hastily.  Jake stopped moving, thank god. Hermann turned back towards the hologram panel and began typing.  “I am going to compile the data we have on the facility in Siberia and upload it to Gipsy Avenger before you leave.  Be careful out there.”

 

Hermann did not look over at him again.  There was silence for a few moments, before Jake was nodding and thanking him again, and then footsteps sounded as the man finally left the lab.  After a few moments of silence, Hermann collapsed into a chair with an exhausted sigh. He shut his eyes, rubbing his temples in attempt to push back the headache that was forming.

 

He was trembling.  It had seemed like such a shocking and foreign concept to Jake that he did not get touched.  Hermann desperately wished it was foreign to him, too. He couldn’t help but wonder why,  _ why _ did no one touch him?  Was he that … undesirable to be around?

 

Hermann could feel himself spiraling again, and as he fell, he wished Newton was there to catch him. 

  
  



End file.
